I will preface what I am about to say by assuring you that I do not dislike my coworkers. As a matter of fact, there are a few of them without whom my days would be suicidally boring. Nevertheless, there is one particular thing that every single one of them does that annoys me; one short phrase that is a near-involuntary reaction. It is an acquired turrets, an automatic response that has been embedded into the deepest part of our minds by social brainwashing. It is uttered without thinking. Like the famous slobbering dog, it is set off by a simple sound: a sneeze.

Without my even revealing to you this pithy prosaic politeness, you know what it is. I shan't type it.

There is no reason for a public acknowledgment of my sneezes. It is neither required nor desired. I am not one to stifle the rights of speech, though. Say whatever you like. I do not appreciate, however, feeling obligated to respond to this inanity in any way. For some reason, it is considered rude of me not to thank the dozen people around me who feel the need to utter this thing-- a completely pointless thing I didn't ask for and don't want.

Many people think I'm being ridiculous for not just going along with the polite way of interacting with those around me after I sneeze. Why is it such a big deal, they ask. Exactly! Why is it such a big deal that I don't respond in the way they think is appropriate-- by thanking them! If you really want to make me feel better, give me $5.00 or a free massage or some other meaningful action or commodity. Then you will deserve my thanks. Otherwise, I see no point in saying something I don't mean. Neither will I react involuntarily to such empty offering of well wishing.

I am no slobbering dog.